I met my friend Biff as he was coming out of the library this morning and he thanked me for writing about his travel agency on my blog. He was clearly excited about something, so I joined him at an outdoor table.
“I have the solution for Global Warming!” he said ecstatically.
“I know, Biff. Your travel agency. You just thanked me for writing about it. Remember?”
“No, no, this is even better! Of course, my travel agency would have made me a fortune, but I’m willing to give up all that money to save the planet. My agency would have helped to lighten our Carbon Footprint, but I thought of a way to save the whole Earth from Global Warming itself! There’s times a man must think of the people all over the world!” I stared. “Besides,” he added, glancing around conspiratorially, "I’ll make lots and lots of money on this one, too!”
He laid a spiral notebook on the table. “You know how they say that the movement of a butterfly’s wing in China can produce a hurricane in the Atlantic? Do you know why they say that?” He poked the notebook with a stubby finger. “Chaos Theory! You mentioned it yesterday when you were talking with Tommy, and I looked it up. It means that when certain kinds of things—like weather—make a whole lot of things happen all over the place and it seems to be a big mess it can actually be predicted! You just have to know things they call the ‘initial conditions’.” He poked the notebook again. “I mean, all that technical stuff can be handled for me by a computer, right? The numbers and stuff. But it’s simple to understand: a bunch of stuff swirls around and makes a pattern. I looked at some books in the library and took notes. There are pictures of some of the patterns, so it’s really simple." He glanced around again, and whispered, "Look, you were a math major, right? You must know this stuff really isn’t hard at all.”
I sighed. “We pretend it is. Please don’t let anyone in on our secret.”
“Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone.” Biff is always magnanimous. He opened the notebook. “So it’s all about Chaos Theory and butterflies.”
“Chaos Theory and butterflies. Check. Then what?”
“Well, all I have to do now is get an expert on training butterflies. We get him onboard and hire someone else to do the computer work—predictions and those ‘initial conditions’ and such—and figure out the flight patterns necessary to change Global Warming. We talk China into letting us transport our specialist butterflies to just the right spot and shazaam! Everything changes!!” He stood up from the table, moving his arms about. “We can do it in waves of butterfly squadrons! They’ll be diving and fluttering and swooping and spinning and it will all be, you know, beautiful! We’ll film it from a lot of directions, and sell the posters. It’s Art. It’ll be like…like synchronized swimming, in the Olympics!” He smacked his brow. “My gosh! We can call it ‘Synchronized Winging!’” His flailing arms were more rhythmical now and I realized he was conducting an imaginary orchestra. “Famous composers will write music about the patterns. Poets will find inspiration in different versions. We can sell jewelry shaped like butterflies, and pennants and coffee mugs and T-shirts! People could have their favorites to cheer on. We could do special ‘spot’ patterns, you know, making it rain in a drought and keeping hurricanes from populated areas! It could be Weather on Demand!” He froze, his eyes suddenly narrowing.
His face grew pale and he collapsed into his chair. After a moment’s tense silence he leaned forward and whispered harshly, “Maybe the Chinese are doing this already! Maybe they’ve thought of this already!”
He looked so horrified that I wanted to reassure him, but for the life of me I couldn’t think of any way to put it.
He straightened his shoulders like a man determined to visit a dentist. “I’d better talk to the CIA about this. Maybe I can explain some things they’ve photographed with those spy satellites but don’t understand.” I have to admit that he did look kind of noble. “Maybe except for the CIA I should keep this whole thing a secret. You know, I don’t want to let our enemies know that we’re onto them.”
I didn’t trust myself to speak so I reached over and shut his notebook. He grasped my hand and wouldn’t let go. His voice was shaking now. “Oh, no! Minta—they say there are bees disappearing from hives and others dying all over the place! Maybe the Chinese have discovered some new chaos math stuff about bee wings! They could be kidnapping millions of bees and taking them to China for a Spring offensive against us! They could be killing bees here so we can’t counter-synchronize them!” He gasped. “This could be the real reason for Global Warming in the first place!” He stood and clasped the notebooks to his chest. “I have an uncle who does something at the United Nations. I gotta see him as soon as possible!” He met my eyes. “Look, I know you don’t think much of the UN and Al Gore, but I think they’ll be deeply grateful to me for letting them in on these possibilities.”
I found my voice. “Do you know, Biff, I think the UN is precisely the right place for your information. And Al Gore.”
“I’m so glad!” He was breathing erratically. “Now, this is a secret—” he began, then his shoulders straightened again. “No! No!—I know what must be done! I’ll go to see my uncle, but at the same time we have to warn the world about this! You have to promise me you absolutely will write a post on your blog about this! We have to warn people!”
I stood. “I promise I’ll write about it.”
He nodded, and solemnly shook my hand. “Al Gore will just have to make another movie! The word must get out! DeCaprio must be notified!” He turned and marched away resolutely.
I came straight home, and here I am, writing about it, keeping my word.
Consider yourself warned.
Trackposted to Perri Nelson's Website, Rosemary's Thoughts, Right Truth, Adam's Blog, Leaning Straight Up, The Bullwinkle Blog, The Amboy Times, Chuck Adkins, The Pet Haven, Pursuing Holiness, Allie is Wired, DragonLady's World, The World According to Carl, Blue Star Chronicles, Pirate's Cove, The Pink Flamingo, Republican National Convention Blog, CommonSenseAmerica, Dumb Ox Daily News, High Desert Wanderer, and Right Voices, thanks to Linkfest Haven Deluxe.
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